Carbonized Shit Theory

I once heard this idea explained a long time ago, and it stuck in my head so well I finally tracked down a proper telling of it for you all.

(For those of you who are wondering how this could POSSIBLY be related to security, how else do you explain the effects of propaganda and disinformation? The effectiveness of social engineering in different contexts?

While this is certainly not a scientifically proven theory, it’s a good example of how even ridiculous — but very funny! — mental models can still provide occasionally useful insight.)

So, without further ado…

“I’m going to tell you all about my carbonized shit theory.

Unbeknownst to you when you were born there was a little invisible angel, with a little invisible bag, of… shit.

He had a little invisible mallet and he spent the rest of his life hovering over your head and every time you were told something that was not true he would whack that bag.

You wouldn’t feel it but your head being porous, a little bit of that shit would pour down into your head. And when you were a little baby crying because it was time to eat and your mother says shut up it’s not time to eat, well it is the baby is hungry it’s time to eat. WHAM more shit.

You’re a little boy and you start having sexual feelings and someone says you shouldn’t be like that that’s wrong erections are evil WHAM.

Then you go to school and they start teaching how the government works and they leave out all the part about corruptions and bribes and that little angle is getting more busy WHAM WHAM WHAM and as you grow up they start telling you the stuff you’re learning like algebra is going to be very important in your later life WHAM WHAM WHAM…

…then the politicians get into the act and they say vote for Democrats we’ll take care of your ass — vote for Republicans we’ll take care of your ass, then you get salesmen like me pounding more and more —

There is a problem, you see there is an infinite amount of bullshit in the world but your cranial cavity is a finite container.

So after you get to a certain age, certainly by 25 at least, you get what we call a dense pack because that angel has to pack it harder and harder to just keep packing more and more in, and finally it gets packed so hard that it carbonizes to a diamond-like hardness.

And you know when you look at someone like televangelist or any Republican and you look in their eyes and you see that gleam that you think is intelligence and enthusiasm coming back at you…

All you are seeing is light going in his eyes and reflecting off shit that has been carbonized so hard that it’s now diamond like.”

(original text, has been edited for readability)

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